I can take blame

Sometimes………I’m not perfect. I like to think so. I guess I’m not heh. I appear to not communicate what I’m looking for very well. I’m not really sure how to fix that, so I guess I’ll need to work on that. I’ve always thought I’ve been blatantly up front but to hear the boy’s translation of what I made it sound like is way off what I want to portray. Going to take another peek at my profiles and some of my emails to see if I’m up to no good over here.

So I sent the boy a really long text this morning. I guess it was so long it crashed his phone. I’m wordy; what can I say. Good thing he doesn’t know about this blog, or he’d just be super overwhelmed. I just copy and pasted it for here because I’m too lazy and to hot to sit with this laptop.

So I was thinking about this and am going to steal your “let’s try this again” route. This will be long so get ready. There’s very obviously a connection between the two of us and I think it scares you because I’m married. I could be wrong but that is the one thing I’ve been able to pick up. As for ultimately looking for in regards to you; I think you assume you must stop looking. That would be insane. I never ask that. I consider myself filler. While you’re looking I’m just a friend to hang out with as what I like to call “filler” I fill the wholes of what you crave while looking..companionship and of course physical needs. And then I either disappear when you find that, or we become good friends. Its a definite side effect of my chosen path but I go in knowing this. As far as frequency I think you’ve misunderstood. I know my life sounds dull but my kids have baseball, karate, dance, etc and I am too old to stay out late as we have on weekdays unless it’s rare. I’m not seeking a see you every minute type friend. I’m seeking someone to text with when we are stuck at home because our jobs (mine being of course my family) prevent us from being out socializing and its cool to have a friend to chat with. If you’re running because you truly do just think this is all just too weird I will understand, but we just had too much of a connection to not try to explain a bit better. It’s ok to like me because I’m not disappearing any time soon. It’s ok for me to like you because I can. So with that freedom to like you I can also make sure you feel important in my world and that’s what I do. So whether we get together on a random Friday night for dinner or you magically become comfortable having me over on a rare night that your roommates disappear, or you come over here on the rare occasion I have the house to myself. I’m not seeking someone to spend my every free moment with. That’s impossible to explain to my kids. I’m not asking you to stop looking. And I’m not asking you to pretend we can’t have some fun together. If I don’t hear from you by tonight; I’ll take a hint.

And then his response……

It was going to be a long one, but I boiled it down to this. If a friendship with a physical aspect is enough for you, then I would agree it would be a shame to just set this aside, because I think there was a connection too. At the same time, I think you want and deserve more, so keep looking just like you tell me to. Even if/when we find what we are looking for, a friendship would endure beyond that where a relationship would probably end. So we can be “filler” for each other, and friends besides and after. Despite my uncertainties, I do enjoy talking and I do enjoy our time together, so I would count myself lucky to have you as a friend in any aspect.

That just has me rethinking every possible thing I’ve ever told someone. Am I explaining what I want the wrong way? What he just explained is what I’m after. I don’t understand how people aren’t gathering that. I’m going to have to take some looking in to why the fuck that is happening. It’s odd because I didn’t even say anything about relationships to Man Whore or the other relationship guy I had….they just developed in to that. I was just horny. This really bugs me because if I’ve been to blame for all the idiots not understanding all of this time, then shit, I feel a bit bad. I’ll probe a bit more next time we hang out. I think the poor boy is overwhelmed with having to share. He’s a quiet man who doesn’t have much to share. This is probably sensory overload.

I suppose it’s time to give him a name. I’m tired of this Mr. shit. I think I’m just going to go with The Boy. I like that. At any rate The Boy better fuck me soon as I am hard up for some sex.

Oh and I met someone over lunch today. That was a fucking joke. He had emailed me yesterday and it was a last minute set up since I was going to be in his area. His texts were boring, so I knew better, but I had time to kill in between appointments anyway. He was late and as I was leaving he pulls up on this insanely loud Harley with his country music blaring. He’s kinda cute. We get our food, go to sit down and he eats the whole time with his sunglasses on his forehead like he has 4 eyes and the 2 on top are really afraid of light. Then he rambles on about how he doesn’t have any time because of his work, and what is my time schedule like because he’d like to know if I’m available for sex at the same time he is, and then he just woo’d me with his ramblings about how he can’t advance in his work because the city gives all the good jobs to black women to keep equality the same. It’s a good thing I can type on my phone without looking, so I just entertained myself by relaying it all on Twitter. My salad was really good too, so I had that going for me. I took my exit and he said goodbye and then texted me to tell me I’m more beautiful in person. It was nice of him to say. Now he wants to take me out on his Harley on Saturday. I guess my obvious disdain for him wasn’t as obvious as I thought. Perhaps I just have some severe communication problems I’ve never been made aware of and the universe decided today it would teach me. Well I’m listening!

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