Oh honey

So my husband is a large guy. He’s never really been interested in changing that. Bless his heart and confidence but he doesn’t see the need. He’s very healthy according to his yearly physical, and he’s a really happy guy. However, he’s happy just spending all of his time playing World of Warcraft. Don’t get me wrong when we want to do something; he hops off the computer right away, but without me putting a plan in place, or expressing dislike of the amount of time he’s been on the computer…..he would be fine sitting there all day. The old me would have been ok with that too. Since ‘the change’ I’m finding it a challenge.

We started the open marriage because I needed something different to fill a void I wasn’t getting in our marriage, and then we discovered how well it fit to keep us together and make our marriage work while still being able to grow old together and raise our kids together. It’s even more obvious now how differently we view the world. He’s very happy being sedentary where I am not. I always have had the desire to get out and do more, learn more, experience more but he hasn’t. He’s ok with what he knows. He has a great time when he does know something new, but he isn’t seeking it as much as I do.

And he still feels the same way about food as I used to a year ago. I’ve realized the kids are getting a mixed signal from us. I go from let’s be healthy right now and change everything this second to let’s be healthy after I get back on the wagon. The kids are getting confused and I know I’m not teaching them the right away. My husband isn’t helping. He’s constantly bringing in junk. He will try his best to help, but just like last night while we were watching the fireworks I said oh I probably should have brought some snacks. So when my daughter had to go to the bathroom he went to the store and brought back cookies and cheese puffs. Ugh. I know I should have some self control, but I don’t have it yet, so I don’t have the strength to just see cookies sitting there and not eat them.

I feel like learning to understand he is always going to be an obstacle in my healthy eating life is going to be a necessary part of my process. I wish he would come to a point where he had ‘the change’ but like I said he’s very happy where he is. I just want him to be happy. So I’m trying to learn to not let his decisions influence me and I’m hoping there will be a day when he brings cookies and I am able to just say “no thanks” but it’s not going to happen any time soon and that discourages me.

I don’t want to use him as an excuse, but man he is making it hard to stick to ‘the change’. Love him dearly, but this is surely one area where we are at complete opposite ends of the stick. And it’s not like the open marriage is going to help with this conflict because I’m home with my husband more than I could ever be home with someone I’m seeing as well. So far the open marriage has helped with any other area we don’t meet in the middle on such as sex and intimacy and desires to get out of the house. However; this is one area the open marriage can’t help with in regards to my marriage and I’m finding it hard to come up with a solution as to how to meet in the middle on this one since there is no other place to meet. So it’s starting to sink in that the open marriage can’t help every aspect of our relationship. Most of them, but not all. I wonder if there’s a food related open marriage type fix heh

Bless his heart. He would meet me in the middle if he could, but he hasn’t found ‘the change’ for himself. I hope I can help him find it. In the mean time I will just have to find a way to include the obstacle he presents in the coping skills I’m learning in regards to my food addiction. Maybe I will tie him up somewhere and feed him hummus and smoothies until he learns to love eating just that heh

I hate summer

The kids are out of school. They are driving me nuts. I am definitely a better mother when they are in school. The constant outside then inside process that repeats 800 times a day drives me bonkers. I know that the bi-polar makes my moods switch pretty quickly, but since being on the Lamictal I haven’t hadany problems. Oh gosh with them home; it’s like I’m not on any medicine!

They wander around like they have absolutely nothing in the whole wide world to do. They act like there’s nothing to do outside, and they have nothing to do inside. I mean for pete’s sake. AND they eat like there is no tomorrow! I don’t know how they survived at school considering these two can’t do anything but wonder what is for dinner, or when it’s snack time. I’ve put them on a schedule and the first person who asks me when they can have a snack has to clean something. My daughter used the Magic Eraser on the walls today. I think they thought I was kidding.

Oh have mercy on me. I hope I make it through the summer. I hope my husband doesn’t lock me up in a mental ward before the summer is over because I’m driving him nuts due to how cranky the kids are making me during the day!!! And because I’m so cranky and annoyed I just can’t stop eating. I seem to be hooked on peanut butter this week. Can’t seem to get enough. I’ve had 3 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches today. Yes; you read right! 3! The kids have thrown off my routine! And I have to skip therapy this month. Oh gosh. STRESS!!!! Send help.

Rough times

I’m having a relapse of some sorts. That’s what I’m calling it. Since I’m addicted to food it’s no different then an alcoholic starting to drink again; just that I can’t get away from food. It’s been about three weeks since I’ve been struggling. I think ever since I did the 5k. I haven’t had a desire to work out like I normally do. I haven’t wanted to keep track of my eating like I normally do and I’m just resorting to old habits it seems. I’m not doing anything the therapist has told me to do. I’m just blah. I’m wondering if I need an adjustment in my medication because I’ve been suddenly grinding my teeth pretty bad and a friend of mine said that some people taking Adderall for ADD have had this problem. I go to see the doctor with the good drugs on Tuesday; will have to see what he says.

The therapist had mentioned that since I’m no longer obsessing over the man whore; my mind has gone to obsessing about failing at all this hoopla with my weight loss. I was at 42.2 pounds gone and now I’ve gained three back. That’s pretty frustrating and hard to not just say fuck it to the whole thing. It’s too much work. Throw in there the fact I’m trying to figure out what to do with my career and it’s just overwhelming. All of this change is very hard.

I was determined I was going to stop doing the sex toy parties and find something else to do for work, but it’s been going so well that now I don’t know that’s the right thing to do. I’m sick of though that’s for sure. I don’t mind doing an occasional private sex ed party for groups and events where I charge by the hour, but I can’t stand the sex toy parties anymore. I almost feel like I’d rather watch paint dry then go and do my parties, but then the last 4 I’ve done have been some amazing profits. Oh who knows. It’s driving me crazy.

And then to top it all off after asking me if I fucked his brother the man whore emailed me. There’s just too much going on in my head right now. Can’t seem to get it all sorted out. I just feel overwhelmed. I wish someone could come in and just tell me what to do with my life and hand me food when I absolutely have to have it lol