By the light of the moon

I am afraid to give this guy a name, because I’m waiting for the ball to drop, and he hasn’t 100% said he is ok with the open marriage part. I can tell he’s ok with me, but I can also tell he’s afraid to invest himself in to something he can’t have long term. He fears that my situation could just come to an end and he would be left hanging. I could say the same thing for him since he is single. So for now I will just enjoy the dates. I’m fall hard though so I’m going to pull back until he gets things figured out. I’m having a hard time pulling back. I’m at the point I’m checking my phone anxious to see if he’s texted me. This isn’t good. It’s as if some of the OCD has resurfaced. I’m glad to know this now though as I have an appointment with the medicine man on Tuesday. So we’ll see what he has to say. It’s hard to tell what things the medication is supposed to fix and what I am supposed to fix with therapy.

Before we even met on Friday, he had asked me if we could go to dinner on Saturday even though we’re meeting on Friday. Of course I couldn’t say no to him. So he met me in my town and we went to dinner. We talked a bit over dinner about his day, and then he insisted on paying for it. I tried hard to argue, but he wasn’t having it. Then he mentioned he’d like to take me to this beach. We were planning on going to a festival and he wanted to see one of my favorite areas so we decided to go there first, and then to the beach. We must have walked a mile to get to my spot and he didn’t care. He held my hand the whole way. He’s kind of quiet; which is hard for me to work with as I over think the silence too much. I loved the affection. LOVED it.

We walked along and when we got half way there it was just a gorgeous view so he asked if we could sit, and put his arm around me and we sat and talked about my open marriage and he explained he’s a little nervous of it, and just wanted to take things slow. I’m the first to admit I’m impatient and not a slow mover. I want to know what you want to do, how you feel, what you have planned, and I want to know right now. That’s my problem. I know it is. We sat and snuggled at the spot we were sitting for quite a while. Walked a while to get back to the car and then he wanted to take me to the beach.

He’s pretty quite while we’re driving and that’s awkward for me. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but I didn’t want to be intrusive so we just drove in silence until we got there. He took out the blanket and held my hand as we jumped over rocks. Found an empty spot on the beach and it was gorgeous. The water sounded amazing, it was a full moon so we could see the light on the water. It was gorgeous. He couldn’t have scripted it any better.

He laid on his back and I scooted my way in there and he wrapped his arm around me and rubbed my shoulder in silence for a long time before he flipped to his side and towered over me and took my face in to his and we started making out again. Oh I love how he kisses. I love it so much. Too much. I could feel every ounce of his body just collapse against mine as he wrapped his legs around me. I got goosebumps and he noticed right away and asked if I was cold. I explained it was just his touch. He has a gentle, almost weak touch about him that really matches his personality. Every time I would lightly bite on his lower lip while we were kissing he would moan. It gives me hope. Then some people started walking by so we sat up and he sat behind me with his legs open and me in between them. And then he started to rub my back and got to my neck and noted how tense I was and promptly rubbed my neck and shoulders for a while. Then he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in to him and just held me. He kissed my head a few times, and would rub my arms. Just in silence. Never spoke a word until I asked what he was thinking. He quickly spouted out “I’m just thinking how pretty you are”. Ok that was a little cheesy even for my sappy, romantic side. Cute though.

Then another person came to the beach and just stood there awkwardly kind of close to where we were and he just rested his chin on the top of my head and shoulders for a while. Then he said his leg was falling asleep so I moved and he laid down and I laid on my side above him so I could take charge of some of the making out. It was great. I kissed every part of him that I had access to. Until someone in a canoe came on shore. The whole area of beach and they all keep coming by us. So we moved further down. I was barefoot walking along the beach and we were using the flashlights in our cell phone to help navigate and suddenly I noticed there was dead fish everywhere and I was standing on one of them and I grossed out. He just took it in stride and kept trying to find spots for us to walk that wasn’t covered in dead fish. He found it kind of funny how paranoid I was about stepping on fish. Glad to be entertaining heh. It was cute. A jackass would have just been annoyed with all my chatter.

We spread the blankets out in another attempt to try to be alone, and we were successful. It was gorgeous and perfect. Except for the mosquitos. I could feel them biting all over me and I didn’t even care. It was so awesome I tried to capture a picture of it because the moon was so bright, but it appears cell phones aren’t really perfect moment worthy lol And then. I needed to go pee. Of course there’s nothing around. After much debate of having to leave our spot and go find a bathroom and then come back I just gave in to the fact I was going to have to pee in the bushes. I didn’t want to wreck this moment. I’m sure that the thought of me off peeing in the bushes is pretty sexy for his moment enjoyment lol Turned on the ol BlackBerry flashlight and away I went to find somewhere. This was so out of my comfort zone and he knew it. He was enjoying it and I could hear him making smart comments and laughing. It was cute. It was amazingly odd that I was comfortable enough to do that with him there. It was even more odd to let him see that side of me that is afraid to do things like that. Didn’t go near as bad as I thought it could. Came back to him and smelled he had just smoked. Oh well. It’s his bad habit. I chew my nails. His just stinks really bad. I used to smoke so who am I to judge. I then quickly sat in front of him, wrapped my legs around him and we made out with a force of passion that was equal to the hunger for sex that I was having. I didn’t care if he wanted it or not. I was after it.

I typically prefer rougher sex, in fact that was pretty much all I had with Man Whore. We didn’t do intimacy. In fact our cuddle time was usually limited to a timer. I wasn’t used to what he was doing. He kissed wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in to him. I pushed myself on him with my hips as hard as I could. I’ve got some strong legs now, he had no choice but to feel me rub against his cock. I could feel it. Then he moaned. I just was sure I had him convinced enough to have some sex so I released him with my legs and leaned back to try and read what he was thinking on his face. It’s impossible with him. He’s just stone cold with his expressions no matter what they are. Then he pulled me in to him again and I could feel him undoing my bra. Oh man, we’ve got to be getting closer to sex. Oh we just have to; he’s starting to remove clothing!!! Fail. He just wanted to be more awesome with his touch and rubbed his thumbs on my nipples while looking at my face to see my reaction.

I can’t feel much on my nipples because of my breast reduction, but having felt his touch and lightly feeling a brush on my nipples I was enjoying it. A lot. I just leaned back and enjoyed. He worked his hands over my breasts with such softness, such passion to his touch. I had numerous outbreaks of goosebumps the whole night, and numerous flashes of excitement that I almost got to orgasm from the breast stimulation, but it’s not the really satisfying orgasms, so I wasn’t willing to settle lol I wrapped my legs around him again and pulled up and went for blood. I hit every spot I knew he had moaned at before, and then my hand found his bulge that also included a wet spot on his jeans. Win.

I put pressure up and down his shaft and I got the impression he’s very well equipped. Yummy. In return he took my nipples in his mouth with the same type of gentleness he used with his hands. It was amazing. I think I got so used to the roughness that I’ve forgotten what intimate connections feel like. I like it, and now I’m freaked out. How the fuck am I going to find anyone compared to this? And this guy moves at a snail’s pace and there’s still the question of where he’s moving to.

Anyhow then I finally just blurted out that if we went any further I was going to need some more. He didn’t have a condom. Mine were in the van which was far away. I took a break. He tried to distract me by unzipping my pants and going for the vagina but I had really tight shorts on and he wasn’t getting in there with them on. I thought that was his way of saying we were going to have sex. I was wrong. We just continued the same making out, rubbing, moaning, breathing hard, and feeling every inch of each other……..just no sex.

He said it was only our “real” first date and he didn’t want to rush things. At the end of the day I really am glad he had more self control than I did as I don’t really want to sleep with him until he figures out if he can handle this open marriage thing. We went back to the car and headed back to his truck after about 3 hours on the beach. It would have been perfect; sex on the beach, under a full moon, with the water sounds. Except for the sand. That shit was everywhere.

We got back to where we met to head our separate ways and he couldn’t stop kissing me goodbye and then he used my name to say “goodbye Julie I’ll talk to you soon” and off he went. He sounds so sexy saying my name. I asked him to text me when he got home and he did and we talked and I specifically said said I’d like to have him around for a while and he said he would like that and sort of inquired about how much time I have free and then explained his work schedule makes a social life during the week a little bit difficult which I already knew.

I don’t know. I just can’t tell where his head is and I don’t like not knowing things. I don’t like it at all. I can’t fully enjoy what we’re doing because I don’t want to end up obsessing about someone like the Man Whore who may disappear in a few months yet I don’t want to blow something good because I’m impatient. I just didn’t realize how lonely I am until I felt his touch on me. I need some intimacy. I didn’t miss it until I got it and now I don’t want to stop getting it if he goes away.

I’m so screwed.

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