I’m like 75% sure I’m done with the man whore. I have been working on a letter to read him for about a month. I’m trying to remember what inspired the letter, and I can’t. Oh oh oh wait I do! I had applied for a job a while back and I remember when they told me the hours the first thing I thought was “oh my gosh I won’t have time to see the man whore”. I knew right then something had to be done because there was NO way he’d have thought the same thing for me. In fact, he’s had job situations where that has happened to us a few times, and it’s never been a thought that crosses his mind, he’s just cut back on what attention he gives me.
I wanted to get it just right, and I wasn’t sure I was actually ready to walk away. And I didn’t want to close the door completely as there is something that just pulls at me that knows that we’re supposed to be connected in some way for all of time. We just work together so well in so many ways. However, I have finally reached my limits of the few ways we don’t work together. So I did leave the door open and told him I just wanted a break. I did slip in there that there’s a large chance I wouldn’t be returning from the break. In fact I mentioned it twice, so I hope it sunk in.
And then after I tell him all of this, he tells me “you’ve done a break for me before, sure no problem. Do what you need to do”. And then he followed it up with “so I was dying to tell you that I was out with my wife this weekend and this girl was hitting on me all kinds. Rubbing my head and grinding on me”.
I just laid out the fact that I couldn’t handle the amount of love I had for him vs. how much he had for me……and that I was leaving…..and he responds with that. It broke my heart. I promptly emailed my husband and let him know what to expect to come home to.
I’ve found in the open marriage what I like to call “open marriage divorced”. It takes me a little while to get over the initial shock of crying and being miserable. It’s usually about 3 days. And then I just miss the person and think of them often. However the memories become more pleasant and don’t make me start sobbing after about 3 days. It’s still rough, but it’s not sob worthy. I call it the end of the open marriage relationship grace period. My husband is amazing during those three days. He was shocked that I walked away.
I hope to be able to make it permanent. Gosh for the sake of my friends obviously thinking I’m weak to go back to someone who isn’t good for me. And the overwhelming responses from my friends as to how happy they were that I did it……I will sure look like a fool if I go back. Not that anyone’s opinion of me has ever swayed my decisions one way or another, but it was odd to see how obviously my friends were aware of how miserable he’s been lately.
I closed the door I think. However, I didn’t lock it. I guess it’s all part of “the change”. I’m anxious to see how “the change” affects my ability to stay away from him.