I’m so frustrated! I get so close to going out on a date with someone, and then it comes to the day that I’m supposed to go; then I cancel. I keep telling myself I’m all about meeting someone and getting laid, and having some fun, but when it comes time to actually go and do it; I wuss out. What the heck is up with that? I am nervous I’m going to flunk at therapy I think lol
I really want to go. I have a date scheduled for Friday and I really hope I make myself get out and go do it. I also have a bit of a fear that I’m going to be extremely bored. The only way I was really entertained on dates before was if we were having sex, or getting drunk. Now; I can only seem to find entertainment involving my open marriage when the man whore is involved. This concerns me. Is he the only part of the open marriage I’m going to enjoy? Was the rest just entertainment before “the change”? I’ve looked for almost five years for someone like him, and only found one other person, and he still wasn’t all the way like him. Am I ever going to find another man whore? I’m beginning to think I’m not. I’m beginning to think the open marriage was meant for me to find him, and just be ok with him and my husband. And since we talk almost every day my emotional needs are getting met. What the heck about my physical, sexual needs? They seem to have gone far, far away. It’s not that I’m not in the mood for sex. Oh yes, I’m very in the mood. In fact I’m masturbating almost 4 nights a week…hah….however when it’s available I can’t seem to make myself go and get it. What the hell? Again, what’s the point? It’s not going to be man whore equivalent sex, so why bother putting the risk of catching something, or having bad sex?
I guess I will just keep searching for that middle. It sort of feels like I’m almost there, but then some days it feels like I will never get there. I’m determined.