I’m sure you’ve all noticed some changes in my Dick Divaness lately. I haven’t talked about it much but I did mention at some point that I was going in to therapy. It started with getting some help with the open marriage, and it grew in to something more.
I was starting to become aware of the fact that I was partying a bit too much, and putting myself in some bad situations a bit too much. Exampled by my no condom attempt at sex while I was partying in Florida lol I’ve always known that I had ADD, but upon further review it appears I’m bi-polar, and have a bit of anxiety as well as some OCD business going on. Lots of shenanigans to deal with; that’s for sure.
So while I’ve been getting the proper medication figured out for all of the above, it’s been really obvious how different I’m becoming. People are starting to question if all of the things I have done in the past are because I was “crazy”. I’m referring to it as “the change”.
The first thing I’ve had to come to terms with is how I’m going to be perceived by my peers and strangers as mental health issues are not something the general population is comfortable dealing with. I’m aware of that. I was diagnosed as bi-polar long ago, but I just ignored it thinking the doctor was a doofus. And I didn’t want to be labeled that either as when you hear of people with mental issues you always think they’re nuts. So I’ve held off on sharing it with everyone, which is odd for me as my life is pretty much an open book in most regards. I’ve shared it with a few of my trusted people who I know are non judgemental, but that’s about it. Many people are observing the changes I’m going through. Here’s a few of them:
- I’m becoming way more picky about who I date, as I have no desire to be finding people who are just looking for a quick good time. I want someone who is looking for a long-term relationship.
- I’m being more picky about the sex I get as I want it to be quality and not just some random back seat sex 😉
- I’m working on my self-image and becoming ok with myself as a person and learning who I am so I’m trying a lot of new things.
- I’m working on figuring out why I’m addicted to food and getting my body to represent something healthy. While I’m not a huge hippo, my size 20 clothes sure didn’t make me feel sexy. I’ve since lost 30 pounds since October. This is a big thing as I used to weigh 355 pounds long ago and then I had gastric bypass weight loss surgery and then slowly started gaining it back over the last 6 years after I had my daughter.
- I’m not drinking as much. I’ve learned that I make some pretty dumb decisions when I’m wasted.
- I’m learning how to have fun without needing to be wasted.
- I’m learning how to enjoy having a friend that isn’t male and actually being interested in talking with them.
- I actually enjoy working out and am having a great time spending 4-5 days a week in the gym.
- I’m questioning what I want to do with my life and considering changing paths from being a sex educator to something else. I just can’t seem to figure out what that something else is.
- I’m spending less time on the computer and in front of the tv, but instead doing some volunteer work and finding new things to get my family involved with.
Those are all I can think of off the top of my head, but it’s still a lot. I’m pretty proud of myself for what I’ve achieved so far. It’s pretty impressive if you ask me.
My other fear though is that everyone is going to think I only want the open marriage because I was bored, psycho, or just bored. In fact I had a friend call me this week and ask me about it and I was super glad because I was curious to know what people around me were thinking in regards to the open marriage after “the change”. I’ve still got a long way to go to complete “the change” so things may be different in a year or so, but here’s my take on the open marriage so far since “the change” started.
Our relationship dynamics have not changed. We still believe it’s morally ok to have feelings for more than one person and it’s ok to go out in the world and explore that. We still believe that it enhances our relationship to have our open marriage. My husband still does not fulfill everything that I need out of a relationship. Our relationship dynamics have not changed. However, what I want from the open marriage has changed. I no longer want it to entertain me. I learned that the crazy bed hopping, and the wild nights out were to fulfill my mania from the bi-polar disorder. I’m bi-polar 1 so I need some high doses of excitement to even out my brain. Crazy nights out + random sex = high doses of excitement. Now that I am on the meds and don’t need the high doses of excitement because the moods are evened out; I don’t have as much of a desire to go out and get crazy and have tons of random sex. I now can focus on finding a third person to complete the triangle of a polyamorous relationship that I’ve always been searching for. The man whore doesn’t fill that because he isn’t available as I want. He knows that I’ve always been on the hunt of it, and he knows when I find it more focus will go on that. He also knows no matter what our relationship will never change. So maybe I should call it a triangle with a speed bump to get to the third corner. So the 3rd person would have to be ok with the man whore.
Do I still like sex? Hell yes I still like sex, but I’m tired of finding the bad sex. I want to work with someone to develop a really strong sexual connection so that when I get the sex I can actually enjoy it. Quality vs. Quantity.
The hardest thing I’ve struggled with is how do I go from Dick Diva to the girl post “the change” (I need to come up with a new name for her). Will I be breaking therapy rules if I go out and find some random sex just for the fun of it? Will I become completely dead to the world if I just stop having random sex? Am I allowed to still go party once in a while? What I’m learning is how to find the middle ground. It’s alright to have some random sex, but I no longer need it to be risky like the no condom incident. It’s alright to go out and party but I need to learn to prepare for a fun night and pace myself and still enjoy it without forgetting what I did the next day. It’s hard to find that middle. I’m working pretty hard on it. Just because I’m not fully the Dick Diva anymore, doesn’t mean I need to get rid of parts of her. It just means I need to fine tune her in to something that has little pieces of her, and big pieces of her after “the change”.
I guess now I feel like we are more officially in an open marriage. I’m more officially polyamorous because I’m consciously making those decisions without the need for entertainment because I’m bored, and without the need for the constant attention to keep me occupied.
I’m ever evolving, I’m ever learning, I’m ever changing…….but I’m never non polyamorous and non monogamous. So help me find a name for the new me that is still part Dick Diva, but also a maturing Dick Diva.