What if?

I got to thinking today what if we had never started the open marriage? How different would things be if we were a “normal” married couple? Would we still be together? Would we be living where we are? What would have happened if we went the other direction?

Then I had lunch with the man whore and I thought oh my gosh I would have never met him. Who else would I have never met? I have a dear friend I met at the beginning that I never talk about here. I should give him a name I suppose. Ummmm oh oh oh Mr. Clean cause he shaves his head bald. He’s actually physically very my type, but we tried sex and it just didn’t work for us. See another fuck first, friends later situation that worked out! So I’d have never met him. I’d have never met Man Pervert even though we are no longer friends I guess (still haven’t heard from him). I’d have never had the relationship with Mr. Illinois in which I learned so much. I’d have never met Mr. Lost who I THINK is the name I have for a friend of mine.

What stood out the most though is that I would have never met the man whore. We haven’t seen each other in a long time. Well 3 months or so is a long time in our world. Which I’m handling shockingly well (thank you therapy). So we sat down and had lunch today and I had forgotten how much fun I have with him, and what a great person he is. I didn’t even look at him like normal in which I think “damn I’d like to fuck you right now”. Nope I was actually nervous to see him after so long. I laughed, we talked, he laughed, we ate, we talked. I’d forgotten how much I enjoy his company. Sure we have great talks on the phone almost every day, but it’s never as good as when i can see his expressions when he talks. And oh the eyes. He has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. What if he was not in the picture? I wonder if I’d have opened up to having more friends that aren’t male the way that I am. His friendship gave me some odd sense of confidence in making friends with more females than just my dear friend K.

Where would my husband and I be? Would we be a bitter old couple unhappy with each other? Would we be happily married and just fine without it? Would I be in a domestic housewife coma? I think that answer is more correct lol Would I be a better or worse mother? Would I have still been ok with staying home with the kids and not working a full time job outside of the home? Or did the freedom of the open marriage give me just enough relief to make being a stay at home mom not so miserable?

Would I be so interested in sex? Would I be one of the housewives who just loses interest in sex and is ok with that? Would my husband and I be having sex? Would I have become one of those mothers who’s scared to talk to her children about sex? Where would my sex skills be? Would I still be able to help my friends with their sexual sides of their relationships?

I’ll never know the answers to any of the above, but it does make you wonder. At the end of the day I’m pretty glad things have gone the way they have, so I’m ok with the what ifs I have left behind. And I’m pretty lucky with the what ifs that have already passed.

To whichever what if made my day today possible I’m grateful. I woke up to my daughter snuggled in my bed, my husband happy and laughing, my son calling me in to his bed to snuggle while he woke up for the day, stopping to visit a dear friend, lunch with a man I adore, some time alone with my husband just being us, some time alone with me while I worked out, then some grocery shopping (ok this part I could have done without), and now here I sit snuggled up on the couch watching The Big Bang Theory with my husband and enjoying watching him laugh at this show he loves so much. Grateful indeed.

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