So I started therapy

I went back to the sex therapist because of this post. However, after i went to BDSM Camp I decided it made me think about some things I should probably talk about so I sent her this post here to read over before I went in. After talking with her she thought perhaps we could make some progress and help me figure things out if I came in once a week. My deductible is all paid, sure, why not. I’m so frustrated with the open marriage dating that I could use a change maybe she can help me find it. I’m also finding that I’m growing tired of going out and partying, so perhaps I’m entering a new phase of my life and it wouldn’t hurt to have a shrink on my side while I do, and she’s pretty fucking awesome. She says fuck a lot during my sessions and I love it.

There was a part of me that was debating whether or not I’d share that I’m seeing a shrink, however I’ve got no shame. What the heck. I’d rather people know I have issues than pretend I’m perfect and be fucked up in hiding and pretending to be something I’m not. It’s safer this way. It’s just all out in the open. I don’t care.

So today was my second meeting with her (well I’ve been before, but second since she said let’s see each other regularly) and she suggested that I take a sabbatical from dating. I’m not sure what to think about this. What will I do with myself? My open marriage is kind of my hobby. However, my hobby is getting really annoying. I’ve no desire to do these crappy dates where we meet for drinks and go to a movie. I’m not a teenager, I want real dates. I asked her what a real date meant to her, and she said it was a date where the person actually was interested in getting to know more about me than what I position I prefer in bed. I said oh that’s great and all but I get really bored on dates like that because I get easily annoyed with people, or they talk so much my ADD kicks in. So we’re trying to work on the ADD, and she suggested I find dates around things I would enjoy doing. Instead of letting the man plan something lame. I said sure fine that’s all great but what happens when I need to just find someone to have some sex with and she asked how much I’m enjoying that wonderful sex and I had to laugh and think back to this.

I told her I’m tired of the bar scene all the time, I’m tired of being out all hours of the night and she said it sounded like I was maturing and coming to realize that I’m not a high schooler wanting to go to the drive in on my dates. I am starting to realize I’m looking for someone who fundamentally believes in non monagamy just like me, and I shouldn’t keep selling myself short for these quick dates so I can keep trying to find good sex. Sure that’s all fine and dandy but do you know how hard that is to find? Look up any type of open marriage couple and most of them will say the hardest part was meeting people. I’ve been in an open marriage for four years and I have had two serious relationships and both of them are not normal which is why I have always still been looking. Man whore’s marriage isn’t truly as free as mine, and Mr. Illinois wanted me to leave my husband. I didn’t bring this up as I didn’t think about this answer until I was driving home, but really I’ll never date if that’s what I’m waiting for. Or perhaps I haven’t found someone all this time because I’m so picky. She said “you’re not going to marry them learn to fucking deal with a few things that annoy you” (did I mention I love her?).

I explained I don’t have the ability to be entertained by a date without the excitement of the drinking and the sex etc and she talked about rerouting my way of thinking and stop telling myself going in that I’m going to hate it because it’s not perfect and just try something different. I had a date lined up for tomorrow night and was asking her what she suggested then as a normal date and she said a comedy club and dinner. Laughs, and food. And of course he has to work, so now it’s canceled, so I’ll reserve that for next time. If there ever is one. I dont’ know where to find this magical man in the same kind of open marriage as me, cause I’ve been looking for four years and he’s nowhere to be seen.

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