I’m in such a weird head space since I got home from camp. I can’t spin out of it for some reason. It’s weird to go from being around totally free spirited, kinky, non judgemental people and then come home and have nobody to really talk about it in detail with. And then the one person I can try it with, the man whore, isn’t really what I want. I have all these thoughts of this personal freedom I saw at camp. People walking naked, people letting their inhibitions go with no cares of anything, people having no fear, people being so intellectually beautiful it made me question why I find such joy in things like my BlackBerry. People there could take the simplest thing like a fire and stare at it for hours while watching the wishes they attached to the tree burn in flames. To them a beautiful, spiritually moving scene. To me……boredom in five minutes of watching the fire. Perhaps it’s time to take some self focus and finally hunker down and fix my ADD? Or will I lose a piece of myself without being able to use my ADD as a reason for everything.
I want to be more spiritual in connecting with myself, and my intimate side, and not just find my entertainment in my BlackBerry and my dating. I want to view a tree and have a desire to write beautiful poetry or draw really pretty pictures. I want to be tied up and find a way to express myself in the pain I receive when someone tortures me while I’m restrained. But how? And now I don’t even know how when all of those people are now just an online presence. Or will this too pass after the drop from camp leaves and I’ll be perfectly content with life as I know it in a few weeks? I know something is off because I’m going out with the girls tonight and I’m not the least bit excited. That’s not normal for me.
I don’t know how to connect with anyone beyond my husband and the man whore. Sure I have my friends, but really what do we connect on besides girlish gossip, my open marriage stories, and fun nights out? Is that how friendships work? The people I saw at camp are currently spearing a fundraiser for someone who is about to lose their home. Is that how friendships work?
Maybe I’m more poly than I am open marriage? Maybe that’s why I’ve been struggling so much lately with dating because I’m looking for someone who understands the polyamorous side of me and my ability to have feelings for more than one person. Perhaps the man whore will never be the right one because he doesn’t truly believe it’s possible to have feelings for more than one person and he keeps showing me that. So why am I so far invested in someone who doesn’t believe in my core belief? Is good sex really THAT important to me? Why do I crave THAT type of sex so much? I watched people find satisfaction for four days with never having penetration or an orgasm. How do I connect with that? I’m a sex educator I should know that. I’m tired of putting so much pressure on myself to know everything about myself sexually because it’s what I do for a living.
Change kind of scares me. I get lazy about it because it requires so much work, and then just go back to my normal ways and find contentment again, because perhaps my normal ways really are what I’m happy with? Who the fuck knows. Where do I go to find out the right answer? The magic 8 ball?!?! I want to find someone who has the answers. I’ll pay lol