My vagina hates me

For some reason I keep thinking I’ve done a blog post with that title before, but I’m too lazy to look. My husband is out of town again, and is going to be a lot over the next three weeks. And my vagina is broken. Just for future reference I believe once you are done having children you should be able to turn off your periods. I am done having children. I don’t want my periods anymore. I tried the birth control pill that made them stop and it made me not want to have sex. We can’t have that.

So what is the point of all this? My libido is back, and I want some damn sex!!! My husband is gone, and I have my period. I don’t really want to date a whole lot, although I’m not turning them down it appears. But I’m not looking and I’m being pretty bitchy in my replies to people, so if they still want to go on a date after all that well more power to them. Oh speaking of which I had a date the other day, that’s another blog in itself, I’m on a rant right now. I guess I’ll do that one after.

I need some sex. I’m pretty good at understanding what happens to my body and why I go through phases when I don’t want some sex. And I’m pretty good at knowing when the libido is back to say hello Dick Diva embrace me………and embrace me now. Sonofabitch. So now that my libido is back let’s peruse through my phone and Yahoo and see what my options are…….

  • Daytime Lover – has asked for a booty call 3 times in the last week but alas my kids are home during the day when he’s out by my house since he lives so far away
  • Mr. Short – we are having scheduling difficulties to try having sex again and he went limp the first time so I’m not real hopeful
  • Mr. Bodyguard – Yum. He’s always fucking working when I’m free. So again, scheduling issues.
  • Man Whore – I just informed him today that it’s been over 50 days and I am not too happy with that and he said he’ll work on it. We’re just going to wind up being best friends who fuck 2 times a year at this rate
  • Mr. Single – I’ve spoke of him before, he was my ol faithful and then he got a girlfriend, well they broke up woohooo so he’s available for hot sex again, yet lives an hour and a half away and has 2 kids to tend to and a busy business to run. So seeing as how we’ve had sex 2 times in 3 years I won’t hold my breath.
  • Mr. Hooker – if I wanna feel like a hooker again
  • Mr. Jackass – if I decide I’m ok with him being a jackass, which I’m not
  • Mr. Shy – considering we’ve been on four dates and have tried to have sex 3 times since the last date and I’ve either been bleeding or sick or his schedule has interrupted, I won’t hold my breath but he’s the one I want to have sex with the most (besides the man whore of course). I’m dying to try him. Like in an obsessive I masturbate to the idea a lot kind of way. I won’t ever tell him that though.
  • Mr. Teacher – I keep not answering his emails. He doesn’t have air conditioning, it’s the middle of summer, I’m a size 18 kind of girl. Fuck that.

Those are my options for those I keep around for just the ok let’s have sex call. I’ve either dated them long enough, known them long enough, or hooked up already to know that they’re ok to be on the list but here’s what happens every time my husband is out of town and I’m ready to have sex…………………………work, family, snow, where I live, or some other random act of evilness from the earth to keep me from having sex.

So why does my vagina hate me? Because I got a booty call tonight and can I have sex? FUCK NO!!!!! And yes, yes I know I can technically have sex while on my period but in case you’re new here, I don’t like to unless it’s with the husband or the man whore. And even then I wear the divacup and still can’t really get in to it. Nothing like trying to look sexy with blood everywhere!

My vagina and I are going to have to have a talk. Maybe I should tell my asshole it’s going to start getting more visitors if the vagina doesn’t shape up and the asshole will send some voodoo signal to my vagina and straighten things out. Wonder if that would work….some asshole-vagina communication. Could be a new invention. I claim it. Don’t be stealing that shit 😉

4 thoughts on “My vagina hates me

  1. Dammit.. that means mine is right around the corner.. shit!
    I just want to donate a perfectly good uterus to a needy woman! I’ll even throw in some adorable baby making ovaries. Well one anyways.. I don’t want to grow a beard and lose interest in sex anymore.

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