My children have been away for two weeks. I had to travel for work for a few of those days, but the rest was spent with my husband. Last year at this time when the kids went to visit my family out of state I was in an exclusive relationship with Mr. Illinois. I spent a week with him, and a week with my husband. And I have to say now that Mr. Illinois is out of the picture it was much funner spending a week with the husband. It’s a testament to show how different things would be without the kids. When we first started the open marriage, the stuck in my rut as a housewife/mom routine was part of what started the open marriage discussion and after these two weeks I’m really asking myself if I would still need it without the kids. However, I did have to kind of poke a little bit to get him to go do as much as I wanted to. You can still tell deep at heart he prefers his cozy chair and his video games over a night out any time. Bless his heart though he went as long as he could and rocked it with me.
We had amazing discussions, we had amazing connections, we had amazing moments of silence. And we started watching that show 24. We’d heard about it but missed season one and hate to start in the middle so we decided to start a marathon while the kids were away and it’s really good. Good enough to make him turn away from the video game. It was just super neat-o. Finding new series to watch on Netflix is always our thing. First we started with Six Feet Under, then Oz, and then Weeds, and Dexter, and now we’re balancing The Wire and 24. We’re dorky, it’s our thing. And I won’t lie I don’t mind passing up a night out to sit home and watch this stuff with him. In fact I did. I had dates planned these last two nights and decided against it.
Speaking of dates wow did I have a whopper of a date the other night. We had talked online for a long time and scheduling just didn’t work. He invited me to a July 4th bbq with his friends and I said sure but what do I do about the wedding ring? No problem he says. Well we meet at Denny’s for breakfast first to make sure that all is kosher between the two of us. I’m really trying hard to look past my normal physical type and connect with people that are nice, and pleasant and respectful, however it appears that the people that fall in to that category I’m not physically attracted to and I can’t seem to make myself grow in to wanting to be intimate with them no matter how much I like their personality. It’s just not working. Which sucks because it’s making me feel really uncomfortable that I’m so damn picky and so in to the physical attraction. And don’t get me wrong I don’t like the skinny, muscular soap opera types so my style isn’t super snooty. However it’s bothering me a lot.
Anyway, back to the date. I decided to continue on to the BBQ with him and see if I could make myself get attracted. We got there and I was uncomfortable. It was not a situation I could adjust to. I’m set in my ways. I don’t like to be hot and it was 94 degrees that day with a lot of humidity and I was miserable. I’d been partying a few days before. The guy had a cut on his lip that was weirding me out. And his son was there. I’m all about being proud of my open marriage, but I don’t want to explain to it all his friends and one gal he introduced me to said “Oh you must be doing well by him he looks so happy, keep doin what you’re doin”. I don’t feel comfortable hiding my ring but I could instinctually feel me hiding my hand so people didn’t ask about it. I didn’t like that. It was time for me to go. He was going to try for a kiss and ego bruising or not the safety side of me could not let that happen with that sore on his lip and perhaps I could have just turned my face but blunt me made sure he knew that isn’t a good idea to be dating with a sore on his lip and then he spent a while explaining it was a work injury etc etc and I just wanted out.
And now I’m to dilemma number 2. I’m noticing the more and more I date these men I find really nice I’m having a hard time just saying I’m not interested. I don’t want to NOT be friends with them but the minute that I say I’m not sexually interested their feelings are hurt and they disappear. I don’t know how to fix that and I’m finding that I’m just not having the balls to say look it’s not going to happen but I’m going to have to tell him. Or am I being too judgmental again and should give another date a try in a setting that I would be more comfortable in like a real date? I just don’t know. I’m torn, but that lip thing is bugging me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get my warped mind to forget it was there.
The dating is just dismal. I think it’s just time to take a break. I recently went out with Mr. Giggle and after date one let him know my scheduling was going to be pretty hectic but I got email after email, text, and he even found me on Facebook and I just think he was looking for more then I was. Or I’m just more bugged he knew I was spending time with my husband and still kept on. So I’ve had an email sitting for a few days I just sent letting him know that just isn’t going to work for me.
Then there’s Mr. Hooker. Which I’m seriously thinking he thinks I’m a free hooker. He sent me an email the other day saying “Had a great time with you a few weeks ago, next time I’m in your area or you’re in my area let’s hook up again”. Not a hey how you doin, how are things going? lol just a hey let’s fuck when we’re near cause I’m totally not willing to do the hour and a half drive to come fuck lol So see I get the men who have no clue how to act and just want sex, and the nice men who I can’t seem to cnonect with on any other level then they are nice men. I can’t win!
Then after being gone for at least a few months the other night I get a random text message from Mr. Jackass like he hasn’t been gone for a few months. And then he’s disturbed when I tell him to fuck off because he does this disappearing thing all the time. I mean really you talk one day and set up plans and then you just disappear and act like it’s nothing, for a few years that has been the routine. I’m finally done with that. I just can’t have the happy medium. I have one wanting to talk all day every day if I would, and then one who just disappears for months at a time.
So I’m giving up for a while. I have one last date on Sunday that I’ve had scheduled for a couple months and if it holds that’ll be it for me for a bit. I have my profiles up still, but I’m being pretty dismal in my replies and I’m no longer meeting anyone until I have a recent, up close and personal photo to go off of and I understand completely what they are looking for. It’s just not working. And frankly I just don’t want to mess with it anymore for a little while. The man whore and I are in a good place and even though we’re not having sex a lot, my libido seems to be on a low right now, so I’m good with taking a break from the rampant Dick Diva sex I’ve had in the past. It’s neat because while my libido is low my desire to learn isn’t so I’ve really been doing a lot of research and emerging myself in the BDSM community so we’ll see where that goes. I’ve noticed a lot of them want to just set up play dates though and that doesn’t work for me.
You know what I want? I want a man whore who’s available more, that’s what I want. I’m never going to find him.
Speaking of the man whore, I lost a fucking bet. And it’s totally my fault I lost. So my pay up is this damn role play he’s always wanted to do. I can’t do role playing to save my life. It’s going to take some serious concentration from me. He’s giddy like a school girl. On a good note it doesn’t look like he’ll have time to see me anytime soon so I have a while. My husband is going to be out of town for the next two weeks (another reason why asking the Mr. Giggles to wait another 2 weeks I think would have just been too much) but all on days he can’t come over. And really I don’t even care, that’s how bad my libido is right now. This is par for the course for me though. It has it’s highs and it has it’s low and I personally know my body well enough to know what causes the lows so if it was really bothering me I’d adjust. But I’m not.
And on a completely side note my blog has officially reached page one in the search terms for “open marriage rules” as of today. It changes daily, but today I’m pretty proud 🙂