Rough week

With my husband and I. I’m hoping it’s because he’s been having some difficulty with his teeth and it’s made him cranky. However, I fear it’s not. I’ve just kind of left it alone while he’s dealing with the teeth though as we don’t need to be having long talks while his jaw hurts. He’s getting the wisdom teeth yanked on Friday and then he has to go out of town for 6 days so I think it’ll be just the break that we need to refocus.

I know it’s the lack of sex. I just know it. I really don’t like to talk a lot about the sex that he and I have, as I always feel like I should have something private. However, it’s one of the foundations of why the open marriage started so I feel it’s crucial in understanding me. I just need somewhere to ramble. I think my friends are all tired of my lifestyle stories and so I don’t really feel like I can talk with them. The support group (which really isn’t support so much as discussion) are all so much younger then me and don’t have children that I can’t really connect. In fact I haven’t been there for three months, due to scheduling, so I’m not really sure how connected I am at all anymore with them. Or even if I was in the first place. Times like this is when I just feel kind of alone. It’s a bad week in general anyway and so I’m just emotional. My son passed away on May 1st, and it’s always a little difficult for me the week leading up to his birth/death date. He was still born. I don’t allow myself to think about it any other time. Never. Except for this week, and that day. So perhaps it’s just all a ball of emotional mess which is another reason I’m waiting to talk with my husband as I’d like to see how I am emotionally after May 1st is over. (please no “sorry for your loss” in my comments. I know people always need something but it just is not needed. It sucks. I deal. I’m ok leaving it at that. Nothing for you to be sorry for) I just like to ramble.

Our sex is non existent right now and I know that it’s important to him. He knows we don’t connect in the bedroom. He’s aware of it and understands it and knows that it’s a different view we both have on sex and intimacy. So usually what happens is I go out and have sex with other people which increases my sex drive and then I can look past all the issues we have and just do the deed. Without the outside stimulation I can’t seem to bring myself to do the deed. Watching him walk around and fart and make loud noises while he’s shitting and rub his feet on the carpet and I lose my desire to do the deed among other things. My husband views sex as a vagina with a hole and his goal is to just get in there as fast as he can. It’s something that was engraved in him starting from childhood. He grew up in a household where he was watching porn with a man his mother dated. He started at such a young age. When we first married I didn’t realize how big porn was in his life and then I had this whole jealousy thing about it and I tried to kick him out once over it. I’ll never forget that fight. However it’s just engraved in his head this idea of what sex is and it’s completely removed all emotional connections during sex, all intimacy during sex, all enjoyment during sex except for when the cock is in the hole. For years I tried to make him change this about himself and then one day it clicked. Who am I to ask him to change. It’s who he is, it’s who I married. It wasn’t working for me, so we worked around it.

There are certain times that I want that kind of sex, and that’s when we have sex. However, with no outside stimulation going on my desire to have that kind of sex goes out the window. I want the whole bang, the whole ordeal. The foreplay, the hours of touching, the intimacy, the feeling of being a woman who isn’t just a hole suited for a cock. I need that kind of sex far more then I need the type of sex I have with my husband. However, I know that this kind of sex just does not exist for my husband so since I know he’s a man and has needs and doesn’t sleep with the women he sees I try to take one for the team just to keep him going but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it lately. And I don’t get why. Am I becoming unattracted? Am I just an emotional mess lately? Is it because I’m not really dating anyone on a regular basis? Is it because he’s been so inactive lately and I’ve been home with it so much I’m getting bitter? What is going on with me? I need therapy I bet heh. I wish I could talk to him about this, but it has not been the right time. I will know when it is and we’ll have some awesome conversation, but these types of conversations have to be handled with kid gloves as one time he threw out the “I’m still your husband and when we got married I kind of assumed it meant I’d get sex on a regular basis” so even though we connect and understand this flaw our marriage has there are times that he forgets it and takes it roughly.

It seems like since I hooked back up with the man whore and swore off the random hookups I limited my fun and that limitation is making me be home more, and making me be cranky because we are missing what we know we need to make our marriage harmonious. Could that be it? I don’t know. I didn’t really enjoy the random hookups so much. I need that longevity of the romance and the intimacy to really get what I’m looking for and the random hookups definitely don’t supply that. However, neither are the longer term ones. Mr. Jackass has just disapeared off the face of the planet and AGAIN. And he’s been around a long time so really what is the benefit of these long time people? They are never available, they’re a pain in the ass to see, and I hardly get any sex, so really how well is this working out? I complain but I will never change it because I know it would make the man whore uncomfortable and I would be even more unhappy without the connection he and I have. Speaking of which he hasn’t called me in 3 days since I told him about Mr. Officer heh I know he’s over there being all like “well she can just go suck someone else’s dick then I’m not calling her”. He’ll call me on Saturday for my son’s anniversary, he does every year. The one thing he always remembers is that day. So did Mr. Illinois. The two who have meant the most to me.

Speaking of Mr. Illinois. I’m missing him. I hope one day he finds this and sees that I do miss him. I know that we are on two separate paths in life and he will never understand mine, but I do miss what he brought to my life. I miss the way he made me laugh. I miss the way he knew me. I miss his touch. I miss his fun. I hope he’s doing well and I wish he didn’t feel like he had to disapear from my life. I understand it, but I wish it could be different. He always said if we went separate ways he would use May 1st as his excuse to call, and I’m secretly hoping he does. I’d just like to know he’s well.

So see, I’m just a big bowl of emotional mess. Just mess. I do hope after this week is over, and my husband’s business trip is done we can do what we do best and reconnect. If not then I’ll be patient until it’s time for us to reconnect, but I’m going to have to get out of this house a little more until that house comes. I have been home too much and it’s really driving me nuts. I think I have forgotten how important it is that I get out of this house on a regular basis. I think couch is growing ass imprints. Not a good sign. Maybe I need some vagina.