So I had a date the other night….

And I think I’m broken. I wore granny panties on purpose so that I wouldn’t sleep with him on the first date. I figure I won’t take my pants off if I don’t want the person to see what’s under them. Reinforcement number two was to not shave. I had bowling before hand with my son so we met kind of late for date, and really I don’t know why I call them dates. Basically they’re just meetings. At a bar. For drinks. So I drink. And once I start drinking I can’t have just one and I wind up drunk. I know this about myself, so why I drink on first meetings/dates I have no idea! I don’t even remember anything about him other than his name, where he works, and that he’s divorced and lives near me. I’m not sure if we had some deep meaningful conversations, but I’m sure in my drunken banter I had diarrhea of the mouth. However I don’t remember the conversations if there were any.

I do remember we played pool, we played darts, we played shuffleboard, we went to breakfast, he sucked on my boobs in his car, and then I remember waking up. He followed up the next day with some pleasant texts and then I stopped replying and then nothing. What the hell is wrong with me? He was nice enough. I don’t understand why I’m not keeping up the conversation. I really don’t. And then I wonder well hmmmm it’s been 2 days since I responded why isn’t he checking back in with me? I bet I scared him with my drunkenness heh some really good people have been able to look past the drunkenness though lol I think I’m referring to one as Mr. Jackass. He was a drunken victim and we’ve been friends for a long while now and occasionally still hook up. The Illinois boyfriend was witness to it several times. The man whore has been victim to it several times. They’re still around. So who knows what’s going on with me. I cry for romance one day and then when I have a prospect for long term seeing I shy away. I think my ego is bruised he hasn’t gotten in touch. Perhaps I should just suck it up and send a hello but I don’t know what to say. I can’t go out tonight, or Saturday night so I really have nothing to say. Maybe I’ll wait until I have a free night and send something. Gah I hate this shit.

So my husband is out of town right now for work. I really struggled with deciding if I should invite the man whore over. We aren’t going to have our dates around the kids anymore, but I wanted to sneak him in after they fell asleep. I thought they were two separate things but I was having mom guilt. I talked to my husband about it and some friends and have decided sneaking someone in for sex is no different then hiding the sex my husband and I have. It’s not like my men will go running around the house screaming “I’m having sex with your mom” so I think I’m safe. My door locks and if they come to the door I can just come out and shut the door behind me. So I put the invite out to the man whore, ask him to please confirm on Thursday so I can make other plans if I want to. It’s Friday and he has not confirmed. I expect nothing different from him but I always have a glimmer of hope he’ll actually be kind. Especially since we had this big heart to heart talk on Wednesday and I started bawling to him and he was so sweet. Pfffft. I just keep repeating in my head, good sex, good sex, good sex. So as a back up I invited Mr. Jackass over. Because he is as bad as the man whore at being kind I informed him if the man whore decides to come at last minute Mr. Jackass is out of luck. Isn’t that awful? Hey you just be on call and if I don’t need you tough shit heh However I have full expectations that I will be completely alone watching movies. Which I will try to pretend is ok with me but my ego will be a little bruised. This is what I mean. All these people I know and I have opportunities for them to come over and nothin. Shitty thing is the Illinois boyfriend would have been here in a heartbeat. I really do miss him sometimes. I do not miss his life but I do miss his devotion to me. But you can’t get one without the other so there goes that.

Mr. Jackass did invite me to get away with him. He’s going somewhere for work and his work is paying for everything so he invited me to tag along. I asked the husband and he was ok with that and said he’d take a few days off of work so I could go. I’m trying to not get my hopes up as it is the Jackass so I fully expect that it’ll flop and not happen but if it does it seems like it would be fun. Sex all night, and I can roam and vacation during the day while he works. Can’t beat that.

I just so badly want someone to do something nice for me. So badly. The female half of the couple I’ve been intrigued by came over last night to hang out with her kids. We are trying to fix the little riff that happened between the two of us. We had a great discussion and I think I probably over reacted due to my high expectations of people but she also admitted that she did indeed let me down and apologized so I’m trying to just take that and move forward and change what I expect from the relationship so we’ll see how it goes.

The bouncer is officially off the table. He’s found a girlfriend. Bummer. He was so cute and strong. He’d lift me up and toss me on the bed. It was adorable and sexy. And you could tell he was always nervous around me. Young and cute. Here’s to you cutesy bouncer, third time was a charm 😉

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